It has come to my attention that some of my past behaviors may have given you the utterly false impression that I am, in fact, a good person. For this grievous error, I must sincerely apologize. Allow me to set the record straight and explain why you should absolutely not think of me as decent, kind, or in any way admirable.
First and foremost, I deeply regret all those times I held doors open for strangers. What was I thinking? Clearly, I was sending the wrong message about basic courtesy and consideration for others. Rest assured, I will slam doors in people’s faces from now on to maintain my carefully cultivated image of indifference.
I’m also terribly sorry for volunteering at the local animal shelter. Those poor, innocent creatures deserved someone far less competent and caring. My actions may have foolishly suggested that I have a heart or care about the welfare of others. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.
Perhaps my most egregious mistake was donating to charity. How embarrassing! I can only imagine the shock and disappointment you must have felt upon learning that I support causes greater than myself. Please understand that it was a moment of weakness, and I promise to be more selfish in the future.
To those I’ve mistakenly helped in times of need, I offer my deepest apologies. My intention was never to appear reliable or supportive. In the future, I pledge to be conveniently unavailable and utterly useless when friends or family require assistance.
Lastly, I must address the unforgivable sin of smiling at strangers. This reckless behavior may have given the impression that I’m friendly or approachable. I assure you that I am working diligently on perfecting my resting scowl face to avoid any further misunderstandings.
In conclusion, I hope this clarifies any misconceptions about my character. I am committed to being the mediocre, self-centered individual you deserve. Thank you for your understanding as I navigate this journey of embracing my true, utterly unremarkable self.
