1. “Told my wife I’m a catch but she said more like a ‘release back into the wild.'” – @marriedlifetweets
2. “My husband just used the kids’ water bottle as a whiskey tumbler and I think he’s on to something.” – @MomLifeTweets
3. “Marriage is just yelling ‘WHAT?’ from different rooms until one of you gives up.” – @FunnyMarriage
4. “I think my wife married me for my sense of humor. Just last week, she said I was a joke.” – @DadMeds
5. “Welcome to married life, where ‘guess what happened today’ turns into ‘where did you hide the remote?’” – @TheFunnyVows
6. “My wife got mad at me because I have a terrible memory, but not for the reason she thinks… whatever that was.” – @MenAreLazy
7. “Marriage is being okay with someone asking if you’re going to eat that half of your burger as they take a bite.” – @EatingTogether
8. “My wife just agreed with me! I’m sulking because now I can’t hold it against her later.” – @SulkyHusband
9. “Hubby: ‘I love you.’ Me: ‘Is there another load of laundry you forgot to mention?’” – @LifeWithSpouse
10. “Wife: ‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’ Me: ‘After coffee.’” – @MorningWoes
11. “Marriage: finding out other people’s quirks become your norm until it’s funny to others.” – @DomesticGags
12. “Married life is just agreeing on which wall art won’t annoy both of you too much.” – @HomeDecisions
13. “My husband said he was wearing an adult onesie and called it marriage armor.” – @AdultOutfits
14. “The secret to marital bliss? Arguing about who decided on pizza toppings first.” – @Argueflix
15. “Happily married where happiness means no shared blankets if we want actual sleep.” – @ComfyDuo
16. “Never ask your spouse if they are sleepy, especially if they startle awake with ‘I wasn’t sleeping!'” – @NightOwlCouple
17. “Trying to watch movies with my wife is like solving a puzzle where she is every single piece.” – @StreamingLetdown
18. “Every time we’re lost, we find new ways to blame each other’s navigation skills.” – @RoadRagingLove
19. “Me: ‘Honey, can you help?’ Him: ignoring noises in favor of me never touching the TV remote” – @RemoteBattles
20. “Marriage math – 1 bed + 2 people = negotiate space all night long.” – @BedMathMarrieds
